So when I was small I remember sitting on old chats knees and them being nice to me, telling me how lovely I am and so on, and I liked it, I liked the fuss it made me feel good about myself, so I believe I created a space and belief that older guys are good and they like me and even to the point that I believed that there was something about me that attracted the attention of old men to talk to me they seemed to father me, and see things in me others didn’t I was special in some way, then as I got older I would easily make friends with old men, I liked what they talked about and the stories they told, I was interested in them or just felt good in there company but not attracted to them in anyway, I currently hang out with three older guys as we have very similar interest collecting old stuff we go to auctions swap meets garage sales most weekends and meet up at the dump in the week, I enjoy there company very much, but started to rethink my belief I had something special that attracted there attention, that they could see I was a really nice person where others couldn’t and so made think I was special it wasn’t that at all.
I now see that I associated the good experiences as a 4 year old with old men and then growing up talking lots to old men and creating this belief that I had some sort of special thing about me that old men liked, was really my own creation, so at 4 when I was first experiencing feeling of being good with old guys I must of sort the attention of old guys out to feel better as I had created a belief they would make me feel good about myself, so was drawn myself and not them drawn to me, I didn’t have a special thing about me that draw them to me, I wanted the attention like I did when I was young there was no affection in my upbringing and nothing nice said, so when I found old chaps saying nice things I wanted this attention:) and so create the belief old guys can see something in me that I can see in myself that I’m a nice person.
So who am I without attention from old chaps ? I see space for more self love towards myself and slight tension on how can I give that same love to myself ? When you don’t have someone else to confirm you are special? Yes it’s all down what I allow and accept myself to feel about myself why do I need it from others even on a physical level I can touch myself. So I’m taking on some self love this year it’s going well but I’m committing myself to do better, because I believe everything I think I need on the outside from others can be given to myself by myself.
Desteni 