I’m dyslexic so as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to be like others I’ve wanted to be able to read and write just like them, I saw it came so easy to them and couldn’t understand why I couldn’t do it, same with sport I am slow moving slow reaction and I’d see people so sport with such ease, art I saw people draw with such ease and creativity, cooking food that tasted amazing how come I couldn’t do that, singing I watched people sing beautifully and wanted to be able to do this and so the list goes on, I spent so much time wanting to be like others and using comparisons to them I was totally trapped in a dimension of lack of, I found/find the people who have many and all the abilities above I was in ore of most, how could they do so much stuff with ease, and I found one thing hard to accomplish, yes this comparison shit was totally consuming my life I so needed to be theses people and not myself not looking at mine own abilities at all, so I wouldn’t expand on anything trapped in the mind of lack off, I couldn’t see me at all I didn’t want to look at me at all, so missing the point of who I am, lost in comparison.

So when I was opening the point of self love I saw all this, and I saw how I’d lost myself I only identified my lack and not my abilities not that my abilities are like there’s at all, but I have abilities and I now cherish my abilities which are mostly who I have become and how I direct myself and my life, I think I’m pretty awesome:) but not to the point of being better than another as I am equal to all, just that I have abilities just different ones from others and are just as good.

This has been life changing not saying I’m perfect because I’ll still now and see a multi talented person in general life stuff pretty amazing but now I think hey I’ve got some pretty neat stuff to, not more then or less than them.

Now looking for those parts you might think I don’t have any, for me now I see the starting point for this was self love ! Do you love yourself? If not why? Ask yourself how can i love myself and who will I be if I love myself 🙂 ask yourself

My relationship with my husband has been in a state of just about functioning for 80/90 % of the last 24 years, my husband is 7 years younger that me and I took on the mothering roll from the beginning (he was brought up by his father) for the first couple of years I didn’t mind I had somebody I cared about and he seemed to like me, Chris doesn’t like affection receiving it or giving it, and talking affectionately and myself I didn’t l don’t like saying anything sloppy lol but have longed for affection giving and receiving. So we got to the space of just functioning got married had two girl, during this period we experienced hard times with money which put a great strain on the relationships, my husband turned to drink and drugs which would get us into debt with bar tabs and owing people money, at this point looking back now I see I created an underlying hatred for him, he was always either drunk or stoned and out all night so I carried this hatred for 20+ years everything was tarnished with this anger I had for him what I felt he had done to me, over the years I developed a couch even if he came near me I would just start coughing, I sort of looked at the fact of what was happening in later years but didn’t want to open it up to look at it, anyway we pulled ourselves out of the poverty and chris managed to get better jobs and worked his was up, we saved and bought our own place after 20+ of renting together, this is when I thought we’ve got it all why am I not happy, so looking at myself then I thought I think we should possibly spilt up, chris is still a big drinker and likes to get drunk every week and I thought I’ve had enough no more I wanted be happy loved wanted, this was the point I now wanted to open up within myself finally with help from my buddy Cerise I say I was looking for love on the outside and didn’t love myself at all, so my point started there how do you love yourself it was very interesting now looking at myself in the mirror and thinking yep I like you in fact I think I love you, and looking at all the good points about myself how I’m now directing myself changing my life and slowing but surely I began to love myself 🙂 yep I do love me. At this point I saw that I didn’t love Chris so why didn’t I after investigating I found the point I mentioned earlier I had this underlying hatred for me! It was like holy shit all these years and I didn’t really know What I was doing everything I said to him my actions towards him everything I blamed him for what I saw was a miserable life without love and affection, plus I was gutted for a short time that this had happed for a couple of decades but then I was like let’s get this shit sorted, so over the last 20+ year we would argue all the time maybe 10 plus times a day bickering it was normal for us we can get over a row in minutes and start another one anyway this is where I now stand as much as possible a bicker will come up and I stand stable secure, I let him vent I stand still I let it pass and we move on, at first I saw him confused but it got less over time, I’m not saying it’s stopped I’m still a working progress I still bite sometimes slip up but most of the time I’m stable because every row we have I see I’m the one to blame I lost my stableness.

What has changed doing this in my relationship is that I’m so much happier Chris is so much happier I’m in love again for real this time and I feel he is too, if I want to be affectionate I am, he puts up with the closeness for a few mins and moves away but he try’s , none of this has ever been spoken about what is happening it just is we are evolving growing together it just is.

I’ve turned my life around from just being aware when I need to be stable, it’s changed my life and Chris’s yep he’s changed to, it has that affect, and loving myself and chris very much give my life a whole new starting point.

This morning I was trying to get out of a door with a cloths hanger that was to big for myself and it and I feel over, it hurt as I lay on the floor shouting in pain pip (one of my dogs) came over investigate I could see she wasn’t that bothered I was on the floor in pain so I made the decision to be loader lol and she just carried on, after the extra fake bit of cry for pip I thought well I’ve obviously haven’t hurt myself to badly the thought I was on my own did worry me slightly because if I had what would I do, anyway I got up to the sitting position and saw I’d grazed my right foot and left knee which was a bit more than I’d expected, so I got up and just carried on, but 10 minutes later I felt amazing it was like the whole accident gave me a lift in the physical a boost of energy I felt great healthy vibrant, and I saw falling over wasn’t a bad thing at all, was just a state of mind at the time, and that it actually made me feel better 🙂

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the belief that if I created more noise more fuss pip might come over and make fuss of me and even look worried about me on the floor so I could get attention I felt I need and want from somebody as I was in the belief of poor me I feel over.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the thoughts of fear come up that I’m on my own and nobody can help what will I do, this was my fear my creation of feeling sorry for myself being on my own and not and not liking being on my own, and where I could use oh poor me, to make myself feel sorry for myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the belief that and accident is never good without taking into consideration it might not be at all, and that it might actually be what I need at that moment of time.

This is an example post, originally published as part of Blogging University. Enroll in one of our ten programs, and start your blog right.

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